Republican Contract with America
for the 2006 Midterm
Elections
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Republican Contract with America
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Whereas the profit motive is the wellspring of our nation's prosperity, whereas taxes act to throttle the engine of the economy, and whereas government programs are in almost all cases wasteful and unproductive, we promise to continue cutting taxes so that Americans can keep more of the money they earn and so that large deficits will provoke a fiscal crisis, thereby enabling the dismantling of New Deal social programs and the shrinking of government down to a manageable size.
Fuzzy-headed liberals say that it is fiscally irresponsible to cut taxes when government spending has increased dramatically due to expenditures for the war in Iraq, the war against terror, Hurricane Katrina, Homeland Security, health care, faith-based initiatives, and corporate subsidies. But deficit spending puts more money into the hands of hard-working Americans and stimulates the economy. The Republican motto for 2006 is “Borrow and Spend and the Debt will End.”
The fuzzy-headed liberals also claim that it is unfair to transfer hundreds of billions of dollars to the rich when the distribution of wealth is already skewed. However, wealthy people have proved themselves best able to manage their money, which they earned by hard work and smart investments. It is immoral to deny them the fruits of their labor and the superior wisdom of their investments and speculation. For surely it is a gift from God to conceive of building something from nothing, and having been conceived in His image, we should reward Him for His forsight.
Consequently, we pledge to make permanent the cuts to estate and investment income taxes, to privatize Social Security, to promote the outsourcing of jobs overseas, to absolve corporations of their pension obligations, and to eliminate government regulations regarding health, safety, pollution, discrimination, and fair play.
Liberals are unpatriotic when they oppose the war in Iraq. Sure, Sadaam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction, and there was no significant connection between Iraq and al-Qaida. But we must act to protect our oil supply and show those demonic Muslims that we have God on our side. Establishing a permanent foothold by force in the Middle East will increase our long-term security, once we kill all the terrorists attacking us there. The advent of democratic elections in Iraq and other Mideast countries will result in governments favorable to US interests. The citizens will welcome us with open arms as liberators. Therefore, we pledge to fight a war in Iran to complete the job we started in Iraq.
The Republican administration was completely correct to withdraw from international treaties and to eschew the cooperation of other countries in the war in Iraq. America is a great country and we don't need the help of foreigners and their wishy-washy values. Moreover, the United Nations is a destructive force in the world; it's best that it whither away. UN Secretary John Bolton is the perfect man for that job.
The key to energy independence is to increase production: drill for oil in places like the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge; establish permanent military bases in Iraq, Iran and other Mideast countries (assuring us of continued access to oil); weaken environmental laws that increase the cost of production; and maintain subsidies for oil drilling.
Conservation and public transportation go against the principles of our great country. Gas mileage standards are stringent enough already. If people want to drive gas guzzlers, that's their right as Americans.
The Republican Congress and Administration were correct to oppose the Kyoto Treaty. Global warming is a fantasy of extremist scientists, in the same way that the Darwinian theory of evolution is a fabrication of anti-religious secular zealots.
The $500 billion Medicare Bill is a paragon of sane health policy. It prohibits states from negotiating cheaper prices for medicines, thereby protecting drug company profits and assuring an adequate supply of life-saving medicines.
National health insurance is communist policy. People should take care of themselves. If they're so undisciplined that they failed to provide for their own futures, that's their own problem. Why should we have to pay for health care for the poor, the sick, and the elderly?
America was founded as a religious country, by God-fearing Christians. We need to bring religion back into public life: into our schools, our courtrooms, our hospitals, our clinics, and our bedrooms. We Republicans want the Ten Commandments posted in every classroom. We want mandatory morning prayers in schools. Furthermore, we want Darwinian evolution to be called what it is: just a theory. Alternative theories, such as Intelligent Design, will better enable our children to understand the world we live in and compete in the global marketplace.
With a foreign policy based on Christian values, we will continue our unquestioning support for the State of Israel and our relentless opposition to Islam and other terroristic ideologies. In this way, we will hasten the coming of Armageddon.
The public school system in America is in dire need of overhaul. Our schools continue to lag behind international standards in math, science, and reading. Furthermore, public schools are a hotbed of liberal (NEA) thinking wherein our children are exposed to harmful teachings such as sex education, contraception, promotion of homosexuality, the theory of evolution, and secularism.
Rather than continuing to fund a failed system, we propose to eliminate all funding for public education and to start from scratch with a system based on private schools and home schooling. The "No Child Left Behind" initiative furthers this end by creating an unfunded mandate which sanctions the closing of schools failing to meet performance targets.
Any idiot can see that guns don't kill people. People do! By putting more guns in the hands of ordinary citizens, we will scare away the criminals. Unrestricted access to all kinds of weaponry, without background checks, will make us all safer.
Forget about the $8 trillion national debt, global warming, the war in Iraq, terrorism, the reconstruction of New Orleans, unsecured borders and ports, the trade deficit, the energy crisis, avian flu and other diseases, corporate malfeasance, outsourcing of jobs, poor quality education, corruption in Congress, and the health care crisis. The really important issue this year is protecting the institution of marriage from homosexual perversity.
We Republicans support a constitutional amendment declaring that marriage is between a man and a woman. Homosexuals choose their sinful lifestyle, and that's why they've been punished with the AIDS virus. Gays should head out of the military, out of our churches and chapels, and back into the closet.
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